The Day Before

Although I already knew the answer to the doctor’s question, I played dumb, answering with, “When was the last time I had a what?”

With his back to me, he was staring into the computer screen. I peeked over his shoulder to glimpse the colorful numbers and symbols that looked like Egyptian hieroglyphics. The only things I recognized were my name and weight. Without any practical knowledge of modern medicine, I’m always happy to see more green than red on the screen.

“I said,” he repeated while turning to face me, “When was the last time you had a colonoscopy?”

I didn’t really need to hear it again; I was just hoping I might get a different question.

What, can’t a guy hope?

I guess it was a valid question, considering I hadn’t had one in several years. The Doc was scheduling a bunch of tests as part of my annual physical; why not top things off with a colonoscopy?

We scheduled the procedure for a Tuesday, at 7:30 in the morning.

Once you turn 50, you should get one every five years or so. If you’ve never had a colonoscopy before, the procedure itself is not an issue (you are asleep). If you’ve had one, you know all about the unavoidable prep the day before. You would think by now that they could come up with a better way to “prepare” your body. After all, we’ve made tremendous advances in caring for people and keeping them alive well past their expiration date. Yet, the process for clearing your colon is still medieval.

Basically, you drink the prep liquid to help clear out your colon. If you really want the gory details, I suggest you Google it. I’m not going to ruin anyone’s breakfast spelling it out.

The day before your procedure starts off with a light breakfast, followed by no solid food other than Jello. Eating Jello because you have to takes all the fun out of watching it jiggle.

I had a couple of eggs for breakfast and distracted myself by working in my home office. At lunch, I had a large cup of chicken broth, followed by a few green Jello scoops. Later in the afternoon, I enjoyed a coffee and a healthy mixture of all three Jello colors; green, yellow and orange.

When dinner time rolled around, my wife asked if she should eat somewhere other than the kitchen so as not to “torture” me.

What am I, a child? There was no need for that.

I told her to fire up her dinner and enjoy it. Meanwhile, I sat across from her pretending I was enjoying my ham bullion. By now, just looking at the Jello pretending to be my main course was making me sick.

Soon it was time for the main event.

I tried mixing the prep with Gatorade (that was unpleasant), then tried 7 Up, which was much better. Before you knew it, the show was about to begin and I was the star. The orchestra was starting to play, the house lights were dimming and the curtain was going up.

It was Showtime.

Although the evening performance was a rousing success, I had to do it all over again the next morning, starting at 5:30 a.m. When it came time for the procedure two hours later, I was so tired, I would have slept through it with or without anesthesia. Before I realized I was asleep, I was awake and it was over.

While chatting with the doctor afterward, he told me my performance was top-notch and everything went well. I even got a parting gift, some color pictures of the inside of my colon. He was right; everything looked nice and pink.

We agreed to do this again in five years.

Maybe by then, we will have figured out a way to do it without all that nasty prep the day before.