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As an award-winning columnist, I have periodically received emails informing me of untold riches awaiting just a simple response. Unlike those foreign Prince scams you’ve read about, my loyal readers who correspond via email only have my best interests at heart. They don’t usually ask for money, only my assistance.
For example, take Abbah Abacha, the son of a Nigerian Army General. He needed help with a $33 million inheritance. All he needed was my bank account information to transfer the money, hiding it from unscrupulous government employees trying to steal it. For my help, he would allow me to keep $3 million.
What about George Gordon, of the Debt Recovery Committee? A strange woman, Christine Morgan, reported me dead and was about to collect a fortune as my only heir. All I had to do was prove I wasn’t dead. George was a little fuzzy about the fortune’s details, but apparently, I had more than $2 million in unrecovered funds. Maybe I had won a lottery and didn’t know about it?
Last year, Aisha Gaddafi, the only biological daughter of the late Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, didn’t want my money at all. She just wanted me to partner with some investments she needed to make in the United States and become her business partner. What could be more innocent than that?
Unfortunately, thanks to my wife, I could not provide assistance for any of my faithful readers in their apparent time of need. She really is a killjoy.
But not this time. This one is legitimate because it comes directly from the United States Government.
CBP Senior Analyst/Post Director David Brown sent me an email that included his personal cell phone number. Director Brown is responsible for ground logistics and terror prevention at the Des Moines International Airport.
He indicated two large boxes (trunks, actually) at the airport that lack the proper “inc” permit, whatever that is. These special military deliveries were registered to an unnamed U.S. Army General who, unfortunately, died in an Afghanistan military hospital in 2018 following a bomb blast. Although the general lacked the foresight to obtain these vital “inc” permits before being blown up, he somehow managed to register me as a beneficiary of the boxes. It’s amazing how being an award-winning columnist allows me to reach people from all over the World.
Using unique technology, Mr. Brown scanned the boxes’ contents. Lo and behold, there was $20 million in each box! Boy, scanning technology has come a long way, hasn’t it? Unfortunately, rules are rules, and they cannot ship the boxes anywhere without the proper “inc” permits. What a Greek tragedy, no?
Have no fear, dear readers, for Mr. Brown has a simple solution.
He would like me to come down to the Des Moines International Airport in the next 24 hours. I can meet with agent John Robert, who will help me obtain and complete the “inc” paperwork. All I need is a check for $350. But to make things even easier, Mr. Brown gave me a second option. Instead of rushing down to Des Moines in the next two days, I can just send Mr. Robert a check for $350, and he will do all the paperwork for me! How convenient is that? I even have his email address and cell phone number to contact him directly. Funny, but his cell phone is the same number as Mr. Brown’s.
Either way, as soon as the “inc” permits are secured, the boxes cannot be searched or stopped at any airport in the United States and will be on the next plane to New York. Like Amazon Prime, they will deliver the boxes, for free, right to my doorstep!
What could possibly go wrong?
The best part is that my wife will never know. Man, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when two boxes of cash show up on our front porch. Now, where did she hide that checkbook?